While participating in a Pressure Point Control Tactics recertification class and teamed up with a 30- Something Hard Charger, I began asking myself, “Just what the f**k am I doing this for?” I was facedown on a mat while the instructor, who I had recently disciplined for having e-mail sex with another officer (different gender, same species, thank God), was explaining the finer points of my joint manipulation to my young stud partner. The instructor got his payback. The young stud got to see how much a 56-year-old cop could bend before breaking and the class got a good chuckle.

I’d had enough so I reached up with my good arm, grabbed
the young stud by the nipple and twisted counterclockwise
from 3 to 6. He let go of my arm, screamed, “That’s not fair”
(like a schoolgirl I might add) and the class got another
chuckle — so much for technique. I’m all about results.

I’ve been a cop for 27 years and like working the street.
As a baby cop I was all about fitness: I ran, raced bicycles,
went through KOGA, FBI, PPCT, Krav Maga, Tony Blauer
and all the other defensive tactics de jour. But age, joint
replacement and cancer slowed me down — didn’t put me
out but slowed me down.

I know there are 80-year-olds who run marathons and
run with the bulls in Pamplona — that won’t be me. Don’t
misunderstand — I’m in good shape for an old guy. I try to know my limits. If somebody runs from me, I assume they are faster. I will never put another officer’s life in danger because I can’t cut it. If I had more time and money, I’d consider a health club but my money instead goes to taxes that provide felons the ability to stay fit. I think they call it 24 Year Fitness Club.

This is my point: I don’t care who you are or what shape you’re in, somebody can always kick your ass. As you age, that pool of people gets larger. That’s why I have a bit of a problem with defensive tactics training as it is now presented. From what I’ve seen, the use of force is less about Pressure Point Control Tactics and more about “The Ultimate Fighting Championships.”

Doyle Method

I want something that works now — without having to
perform some elaborate choreography. My good buddy Rob
Rathburn told me his first training officer, Doyle Pratt, watched as he tried to place cuffs on a juvenile using the Koga method. As my buddy struggled to remember all he’d
just learned from his intensive academy training both the arrestee and the T.O. were getting frustrated. Doyle Pratt
then grabbed the cuffs, slapped ’em on the juvenile using the “Doyle Method” and told my buddy, “Don’t dance with
’em, just arrest ’em.”

While watching the History Channel, I saw a program on the
Marines at Guadalcanal. One old Marine said they’d been told the Japs were experts in jujitsu and hand-tohand fighting. This gentleman was on Bloody Ridge and when the enemy tried to overrun their position there was no Sliding Foot Sweep or Two Arm Shoulder Throw, it was all rifle butts and entrenching tools.

Popeil Pocket Impact Tool

I think when you are a cop in your 50s you shouldn’t have to fight fair. I don’t want to use some side-handled stick derived from an Okinawan millstone handle or a cop version of the Popeil Pocket Fisherman. I want something like an axe handle because it’s bigger and longer. I don’t want to
squirt ’em with chili sauce or deliver an angle kick to the common peroneal. I want to be able to kick ’em in the nuts — it’s worked since the third grade. It must still be effective because you can’t do it in boxing and it always causes the biggest defensive lineman to go fetal — I’ve seen it!

It’s a good technique for old-guy cops because you have the suspect’s legs to funnel your foot to his family jewels. I know it works because once “while attempting to perform a front thrust kick my leg was inadvertently deflected by the suspect’s defensive resistance” (See Case Report # 2001- 29786745) and I think I saw both of the suspect’s testicles try to exit his nostrils after my foot slid into home plate. He was easy to cuff after that.

If there were a TASER for old guy cops like me, it would have wires the size of jumper cables and probes like harpoons. It would get its power from a small fissionable device you carried on you back. After you used it the suspect would look like Wylie Coyote after a bout with Road Runner. Remember, Wylie just stood there and smoked. I guess the TASER wasn’t designed to be crew-served but it would be nice.

I’m at the point now in my career that if I encounter resistance from a suspect I can charge them with both resisting and assault on the elderly. So it goes with the babyboomer cops.