Insider Ruminations

"The crazy bastards would start grinning ear to ear, pull their breathing apparatus down over their face and run in the door." I worked Arson for a few years. The unit was a full time joint Fire Department and Police Department team. The cops were trained in fire investigation and the fire fighters in police procedure with enough hours to qualify as state certified peace officers. I always thought cops were highly adept at sniveling until I spent a lot of time with fire fighters. These guys were Olympians when it came to sniveling and I couldn’t figure out why. They worked 9 days a month, slept half their shift, had great meals in the station, didn’t go to court on their day off and must have cornered the market on Barcoloungers and big screen TVs. I thought, “Boy I sure stood in the wrong line at the job fair.” Then I saw what they did at a fire — not the small kitchen fires where they’d run in with an extinguisher but the “smoke and active fire showing” types. The crazy bastards would start grinning ear to ear, pull their breathing apparatus down over their face and run in the door. Smoke would be billowing out; fire would be rolling in boiling waves across the ceiling and they were still smiling. Who, in their right mind, would do something like that? They’d scurry around the house looking for rescues and then start putting wet stuff on red stuff. After the fire was out and the steam subsided they’d go around pulling down walls, cabinets and ceilings to assure against re-ignition. Then they’d drag everything out into the yard and pour more water on it. On a number of occasions I saw these guys exerting themselves to the point where they’d run out of the building, lift their mask, puke, pull their mask back down and run back inside. Southern California just finished “fire season” and what a season it was. The San Diego area lost almost 2,000 homes and structures and evacuated half a million people. We lost a fire fighter and have four others with burns so devastating they needed to be put in induced coma. So, the next time some fire weenie stomps through your crime scene dragging a hose, flipping things over, wetting everything down and generally making your evidence collecting life miserable; remember — they’re nuts. They don’t know better let alone care. Don’t yell at them or get up in their grill. These are the folks who’ll be prying your sorry butt out of the twisted metal of what used to be your cruiser and the tree you hit or saving your home from a firestorm. Just say thanks and be glad they were in the wrong line — not you.



Guest Toro Caca by Dick London I had one of those “are you freakin’ kidding me moments” recently that should surely qualify as a Toro Caca moment. USA Today: Tenn. Killer Set To Die In Electric Chair. It’s USA Today so first, I thought they spelled 10 incorrectly, but it seems they actually meant Tennessee. Daryl Keith Holton — blah, blah, blah — chose the electric chair instead of lethal injection (contaminated needles can cause all kinds of health problems) because he thinks he’ll die instantly and painlessly. Maybe so, but then I saw The Green Mile and this might be shaping up to be one of those Kodak moments. The last time the Tennessee electric chair was used for an execution was Nov 7, 1960. That’s neither here nor there, but it is where this starts to get good. Administrative Stupidity There seems to be some debate as to whether the chair will work properly — the guy who built it says it’s been modified in such a way it will not work as intended. At some point, someone decided to reduce the voltage. Who the hell would even think of that — someone trying to get an award from the cost savings suggestion program? Let’s see, two minutes of electricity at $2 per kilowatt-hour divided by the weight of the prisoner — damn, Harley, look at this. Check my goes-intos will ya. It’s Al Gore’s home state, but I don’t think it really saves that much money to reduce your only electric chair from 2,000 volts to 1,750 volts — why take the chance? If I were seated in it, I’d much rather be the functional equivalent of a fly hitting a bug zapper than feeling a tingling sensation until I melt. The state did explain, however, there’s no need for concern. I think they meant for the rest of us, but not Holton — because “the chair is inspected and tested quarterly.” Let’s get this straight. From the time someone’s convicted to when they’re actually executed usually takes 15 or 20 years. The electric chair hasn’t been used in 47 years. And they test it every quarter? That’s the “are you freakin’ kidding me” moment.” Bureaucracy at its unthinking finest. We have a rule saying test it. So we test it. Do they think, they’re going to have someone fast-tracked; have about two days notice, and then look bad? “Oh shit, I knew we should have tested that thing.” Do The Math Well, I did — they’ve tested this thing 188 times since its last use because they think this is a scene from Blazing Saddles. Harvey Kormann wanted an unscheduled hanging of Cleavon Little? “Oh Boris, do you have time for a special this afternoon?” “Oh I couldn’t possibly, I’m completely booked.” But that’s not all. “The chair was modified in the 1990s — controls were modified, voltage increased (I guess that means it was even lower at some point — but with electric bills today, who can fault them), and protective devices were improved. Perhaps they miss the point – the idea is to kill this guy. I would think they’d want to remove protective devices, not improve them. Sorta like taking the safety off on an automatic or the pin out of a grenade. It’s a simple enough concept. In any event, adios Mr. Holman. If they have a yellow safety warning on the chair, just ignore it.




A Completely Subjective Look At Things I Like STI Tactical .45 Widebody You just can’t have enough ammo when the day — life — karma — or some parolee’s destiny — decides to take a big old steaming crap in your lap. And, it’s even better when the ammo is .45ACP. The folks at STI realize this little fact of life too. They’re known for making great competition guns, but not enough of us are aware of their tactical offerings. STI’s Tactical is built on a modular steel frame with a polymer grip and delivers the benefit of high capacity without over-sizing the grip. You don’t need those catcher’s mitt size hands to get a proper grip. With the standard mag, the gun holds 12+1; with their 140mm mag, capacity is 14+1. It’s well suited for any application when you need a light rail and high capacity. Another value added feature is STI’s RecoilMaster guide rod system. It’s designed for softer recoil and brings the pistol back to point of aim faster by using two springs. It provides at least 10 times the life of a conventional recoil system and makes it a pleasure to shoot — even with +P loads. Two New Folders From SureFire If MacGyver were issued SureFire’s Delta folding model the show would have been titled SureFire — not MacGyver. He would have been just another don’t kill anyone, eco-friendly, resourceful, left wing Hollywood bartender waiting for an acting gig. The Delta folder is a rugged but lightweight combat/utility knife. It features Crucible CPM S30V blade steel — renowned for strength and edge retention and tough .125"-thick titanium frame halves and liner lock. The frame incorporates a number of practical tools — screwdriver, wire cutter/crimper, parachute cord/seatbelt cutter, wrench, and self-seating wrench slot for smaller nuts. It also has a reversible pocket clip. It’s a tough tool for tough people — not MacGyver. SureFire’s L.E.O. folder was designed with the needs of cops and military professionals in mind. This titanium-framed folder features a locking drop-point steel blade, which can be quickly opened with its integral finger guard or thumb stud. The blade has a ground-in flathead screwdriver — perfect for attaching or removing license plates. A low-profile flex-cuff cutter snaps neatly into the frame when not in use and cuts through both flex-cuffs and zip-ties. It too features a strong, reversible pocket clip to keep it positioned in your pocket or tac vest.



First published in the Jan/Feb 2008 issue of American COP.



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